oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
