just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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