Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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