When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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