margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
this just has baby written all over it
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
