phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
