everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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