She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Green mimosas i think yes
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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