you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
