3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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