I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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