my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
