how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
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