I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
