Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
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Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
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some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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