Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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