my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
