he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
