Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
