i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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