I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
