glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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