when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
