I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
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