pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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