captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
