and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
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she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
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The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Dick very happy bro
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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