Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
