On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
