I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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