How is your vagina???
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do