I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
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I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
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He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment