Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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