The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
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I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
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It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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