is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
