I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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