i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
