so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
