Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
