you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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