you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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