so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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