If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
