I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
