She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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