I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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