Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
