walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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