Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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