Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I currently don't understand fingers.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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