from now on my penis is your penis
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
