Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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