So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
