We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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