I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
sick fucks of a feather flock together
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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