My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
