Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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